Dear Fat Girl “Minions” (to quote Ms. Blair Waldorf),
First off, I do apologize for abandoning all my lovely ladies for so long. I was totally bogged with work and then of course with preparing for the holidays. Every year, about a month or so before Christmas, I start to transform into a squat, semi-psychotic, and fully neurotic elf. If you ask the boyfriend, he can probably paint a better picture, but I will try in my own words – I actively try to turn as much of my world as possible in the North Pole. I make it a habit to buy new ribbons, bows, wrapping paper, and holiday cards each year – not that I have anything against recycling, I just enjoy the beauty of new aesthetic. I write cards for almost everyone I know and I spend hours upon hours meticulously wrapping and creating beautiful bows out of florist-style wired ribbon. This year my gift theme was bright green and red paper wrapped with a red tartan plaid ribbon with gold piping at the edges.
Okay, enough about my OCD gift wrap issues, let’s get to the real meat here – me! Literally, ladies, I feel like a big chunk of meat but instead of filet mignon, I’m more like a skirt steak – tons of fat, but on the upside, skirt steak is said to have a little more flava flave. What’s most frustrating, is that I have basically not moved from where I was last year at this time – stressed out, too tired/lazy to go to the gym, and well over my comfort zone when it comes to the scale at a whopping 140 lbs. So what is a girl to do? Cry, watch t.v. and order Goodburger from Seamlessweb? Well, that’s what I have been doing here and there, minus the crying, but I am totally aware that this is a completely unhealthy approach to my dissatisfaction with my belly that resembles J-E-L-L-O! I know I need to just start stuffing my face with raw veggies, lean proteins, and good fats till all the health food really gets to my brain and my legs start itching for the treadmill. And, I swear ladies, the gym is on my to-do list everyday – unfortunately I have an uncanny ability not to check it off.
I don’t know what it is about this time of year, maybe it’s the holiday cheer, maybe it’s the cold telling me to go into food storage hibernation mode, but all I want to do is lay in bed cozied up in PJs with a hot chocolate and some other calorie stuffed foods. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was just some beauty pill we could all pop in that was individually prescribed for the traits we each wanted – my beauty pill would suck in my belly, scoop out my butt so that it’s still plump but just a bit more toned, chisel my arms for those great Janet Jackson arms that she always had in her heyday, immediately clear up all zits, bronze my skin to a perfect golden brown, pluck my eyebrows, shave my legs and all other areas that require depilatory activities, dye my arm-hair blonde, and constantly re-apply mascara and color to my lips. Now, if I could create that, I think I would be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize because all women would be so peaceful and so much less stressed out.
Alright, so that pill will most likely not be something that exists in my lifetime so I better just get used to hitting the gym and eating tomatoes. I’m sure you all saw this one coming, but guess what my New Year’s resolution is? Ding ding ding!!! You guessed it, F*** the bad crap food (except for once and while) and start getting my butt to the gymbo as well as keep you more up-to-date and looped in on my progress. My sneakers, sports bra, t-shirt and leggings are in my desk drawer at work – hopefully I will muster up the motivation to get a head start on 2011.
P.S. Best wishes for a happy, bottle-poppin, booty-rockin 2011!